clockwatching

twiddling my thumbs,
twirling my hair,
writing these words,
listening to hers,
anything to stop clockwatching.
because the minute hand
seems to be moving backward
and the blank faces break into yawns
that spread like wildfire around the room
like a game of tag,
eye contact means you're it
but that eye contact is rare-
no one looks at each other
just at the clock
or out the window
or at the tiles on the floor or ceiling
so no interaction
just clockwatching
seems like we're running out of time lately

ring around the rosie

it's not a secret that i've loved you
it never was.
those songs told you so
and your songs answered me, i thought
so how was it that you came almost close enough
and never closer?
like you said the words in your head
you thought about saying them out loud
you told me we've been dancing around the moment
they say the heart afraid of breaking
never learns to dance
but that wasn't the case with us
we kept dancing in circles,
afraid of breaking.
and we watched them take the leap
and we watched it pay off
and we talked about it
but we still danced a ring around their happiness
not even holding hands

.

the scariest thing about my life is inevitability.

where are you going?

i'm swimming in a sea of brake lights
but i feel like i can't slow down
or that i don't want to
i'm growing impatient
stuck in traffic, a vast abyss of cars
where are they going?
where am i going?
like an ocean that you can't see
but you can smell, and the sound...
waves crash down
i am no superman
if i were, i'd fly away, jump the line
have all the answers to questions
under the stars
yet here i am, growing weary.
can i rest with you a while?
take a deep breath,
take a seat,
tap the breaks, like everyone else

saturday morning

nothing's ever gonna happen round here
if we don't make it happen
so let's find an adventure in this lfie we've been given
let's drive with the windows down
for 100 miles with no destination
just each other's company
let's turn the music up and sing our favorite song
let's move on from those that are gone,
though we miss them,
and get to know the people here now
cause if we don't have any fun
we've got a long day ahead of us.

my hiding place

if your radio didn't work
and your friends all ran away,
would you let yourself fall in love with me?
if you took out your headphones
and gave me a chance to speak words you'd want to hear
if i said the right thing...
i tried to communicate with you
through music because i knew you would listen
and i said "you gave me the best mixtape i have.
i just wish there was so much more than that
between me and you"
and you said you liked that song the best
but if we turned the music off and opened our eyes
if we were open to each other
like we were told to be,
would you let yourself fall in love with me?
would you let me touch your face,
let your skin be my hiding place?
i promise i won't take up too much room.
i'll just rest my head on your chest when we watch a movie
and you won't want to go get popcorn
you'll just want to sit with me and be.

unraveled.

it's all or nothing
the second you stop caring
even just a little bit
it all starts to fall apart

and i think we're falling apart
so i used my lifeline
i phoned a friend and asked
for a little advice and a hug
from the person i knew could
comfort me.
the most reliable friend
because my most precious posession
like my most favorite sweater
is beginning to unravel
just a small pull
was all it took
and now nobody feels like dancing
when i never want to stop
when you're worrying about the future
you stop living for today
you're letting down the person
that gave you everything
and taught you all she knows
the people who've danced before us
stood where we stand
they look back now
and expect what they worked so hard for
to be taken care of
to whom much is given
much is expected

love

she said "love means using your heart to care, your mind to figure out what is good for someone (now and in the future), then, working hard to make that good thing happen"

love. such a silly game we play.
so now that your heart cares about me
the ball is in your court
that's what i told you
and i saw the look on your face
before you turned and walked away
your voice muffled as you said
"goodnight, elizabeth"
with your back to me
and that was the second part
where you thought about what was best
for me, but also for you, i think
but walking away, was that supposed to be good for me?
did you make that decision to keep me from getting hurt?
to prevent a terrible goodbye?
but what if we would have put in the work?
...thrown the hail mary pass
bet on the longshot
maybe we would have won big
maybe we could have fulfilled that definition of love

listening to: love by matt white

if you would come back home

i've run out of words to write about you
no more memories to make
but when i try to think back on the happy times
nothing comes to mind
because when i write about you
i write about who i wanted you to be
or who i wished we were
not about what actually was
because what actually was
never lived up to what i wished
so i think this is the last time
these words will be about you
but if you would come back home
i could fix you lunch or
take you out for coffee
and though i wouldn't drink it
we could work on making memories
if you would come back home
i swear it would be better
and maybe i'd have something to write about

listening to: if you would come back home by william fitzsimmons

first day of my life

so this is neither the first day of my life
nor the first day without you
but just as on day one,
i think about you
even still
and though i'm not counting the days,
they're adding up
and i'm figuring in my head
t minus how many days
til i get to see you again
but until then
i thought i'd let you know
that these things take forever
i especially am slow
but i realized that i need you
and i wondered if you could come home
besides maybe this time is different
i mean i really think you like me

raincoats

hiimissyou, i said.

not on impulse, but after the appropriate amount of time had passed.
so as to assert my independence
and then, to withdraw my sentiment and keep my mystique
i asked an unrelated question, about competition
a physical matter rather than an emotional one
to detract from my own weakness
and after all this calculation i recieved your reply,
cut and dry, polite
sorry, you were in a meeting
no, to answer my question
and you're about to go to another one
glad i said hi tho
carry on was the best i could muster
i feigned brave like nothing was urgent
whatever we would have talked about,
it can wait.
the very phrase i told myself so many times
in regards to words i meant to say to you
so i graciously accept the rain check
but you left me here without a raincoat
i need a raincoat
i need a phone call
i need a big love
i really need a rain coat

listening to: raining in baltimore. counting crows.

mathematics

so now that the work is done,
the west was won.
and i'm glad i fought.
instead of going to bed.
i put in the time and that's what it takes
because every test is easy
when you know all the answers
still, there are some things i just can't memorize
there aren't any formulas to make me happy
it's like all the numbers are in front of me
but they don't add up
and the calculator can't help me.
but the more i study the more i see
what makes people smile a genuine smile
so when my lips form the correct angle
and then part precisely to reveal my teeth
it finally starts to feel at home

best days

so we stretched out that last car ride as long as we could
driving in circles killing time
time that was slipping away
red light by red light
with the ipod in your hand, scrolling through
in search of a song to narrate the night
so with one wrong turn and one exit too many,
i got one more song to spend with you
but then the words ran out
so the song was through and silence filled our ears
sitting across from you i wondered
what that song meant to you
and why you chose it as the last one
did you know it would be the last one?
because now we sit just smiling
with no way to predict what will happen
after this moment
so here comes the rest of our lives
ready or not.

listening to: best days. graham colton.

quality

you're still here. but already so far from me.
leaving soon. too soon.
i guess i just always thought our time would come
that eventually it would fall into place.
but time's up
and all the things i tried so say
so many times before
came out wrong, or not at all.
so here i sit, swollen with regret.
so much left unsaid.
words were not meant to be this half-spoken.
i never told you.
i never told you anything.
but even still.
i feel like you had to know.
so you leave three days from now
and then the words float out into space
like a balloon with no destination
they will never find their way to you
i should have delivered them myself.
from now on i know
if i've got something to say i'd better say it
cause nobody's giving out second chances

listening to: quality. kevin haden.

coincidence.

hm. i love coincidences.
unexpected things that brighten your day.
little things that happen without planning,
or hoping even.
like getting ice cream and seeing someone you love
at the same time.
without inviting them,
just being at the same place at the same time
effortless.
by coincidence.

dear old friend.

i'm lucky to have friends so great that it's hard to say goodbye.
but that doesn't make it easier to let them go.
goodbye is hard to say.
my mouth hurts to form the word.
it doesn't fit on my lips.

i just don't want them to go.
they have taught me so much, helped me through
and now i'm on my own
no more guidance or advice
or laughter.
real, sincere, can'tholditin laughter
no dog treats
just emptiness where it all used to be

only memories.

such dear friends.
how will i laugh ever again?
i'm asking you sincerely, my dear old friend.
when i know it's just not the same as having you next to me.

listening to: dear old friend. patty griffin